I get to go home soon. For some reason that phrase has been bouncing through my head a lot lately. I suffer from depression. Prior to being on medication there were at least five solid years that I would break down in tears at the end of every day. Having Cats helped with this but all mine have since passed on, yet another reason to be sad. Thus was my reasoning in seeking medication. The recent Pandemic has only made my anxiety worse. I feel like I am drowning in despair and nothing seems to be going my way. The sick feeling of depression in my gut has made it impossible to work. Even the news is practically unwatchable now and there is shocking violence all over social media. It goes ever on, but the reason I am writing this in not to complain. This is all very much like a dream I had.
Years ago I had one of the waking dreams I have come to call “day-horrors”. Most day-horrors are just a streams of awful thoughts that one cannot help but think; but this one was different. In this particular day-horror I met an Angel named Ma’at and the dream was apocalyptic. From what I remember events on the news kept getting worse and worse until Canada was under some sort of lockdown and people were being rounded up into “safety” camps. The dream continued like this until I had some type of realization. I somehow-? remembered it was all ‘just a dream’ and it all started with Ma’at. The realization was huge and I was able to “transport” my self to where I knew she would be and together we floated away on a platform… Then I woke. The dream felt very much like a test. The purpose of the dream seemed to be pending on a trial or struggle to hang on to the memory of an Angel. This is actually very difficult to do. The dream was very challenging and I felt like I was on the verge of giving up all the time. Very close to the current events happening right now. But I think it might be bigger than just me. I think there is some grand realization awaiting humanity and I think it will be very soon.
Below is a exerpt of the original entry:
“Ma’at appeared to me as a very tall-? and lean series of ladies, similar to what might be called a humanoid/Elvish’super-position’. She hadnt a single face but series of them. She looked like a series of variations of Audrey Hepburn but of various races and mixes. She very much looked like an Elf. Her clothing looked like that of a ‘disco nun’; sort of like a flickering series of haute-couture cat suites or super high-end pajamas. The knits of her clothes seemed to dance like animated pixels. Her clothing seemed to shine but paradoxically be balanced by earth tone materials and crochet knits. She appeared to me in this form after I vaporized some Cannabis before bed. I laid there knowing that is wasn’t an ordinary pot trip. I am inclined to say we had a conversation but cannot describe it if this was in actual words. Perhaps it was her way of programming me to the fact that she was about to impart a serious lesson.
She then proceeded to do a dance’ in a ‘lock and pop’, miming fashion. As she danced she split in two and one of her dualities became larger and larger and more complex, while the other smaller and more succinct? Like an 8-bit caricature or a “chibi”. Atma and Brahman-? This effect was so disorienting I found myself hypnotized into a waking dream. With in the dream; normal day-to-day things were happening but kept getting shittier and shittier, people around kept getting more and more hostile, everyone was fighting and suddenly my countries borders were closed and it was as if some global catastrophe was happening. Time passed and I got sense that the world was ending and it was as if everyone was being rounded up by the military and put into “safety camps”. I got angry and wondered how it was I found myself in this position. I knew I didn’t deserve this. Then I remembered that it was my dream and it all started when I met an angel. I realized that everything was a dream and that I could change anything I wanted at any time. So I teleported myself back to where I knew she would be and stood in front of her on a circular platform she was very happy to see me again and I gave her a big hug. I watched beside myself as we floated away before waking.”
Is a ‘waking dream’ a vision? I suppose it must be. Whatever the case this dream added to my faith. Times are tough and I just have to get through this rough spot. I know that the cosmic balances will eventually turn in my favor because I remembered the Ma’atian alignments. I am in the process of repenting for my wrong doings. I want to be clear that I dont worship Ma’at; She is more like my Guardian Angel. I am a Nazirite which means I come from the Bible. My seeing a Kemetic Neter doesn’t conflict with my existing religious beliefs at all. I still dont really know what it all that means but this experience stands out to me as my personal understanding of Biblical prophesy in my life. I dreamed the future because of Ma’at’s wings! Again; its a developing testimony in that I have yet to “float away on a platform” but it still gives me hope. Its both fascinating and confusing and there is a reason I haven’t given up I suppose.
Every day I try to get better but the weight of the past cannot be erased. The scars from traumas have left me horribly vexed and my self worth is at an all time low. All sorts of negative thought-currents flow through my head like cold muck always soaking into my conception of the moment, always preventing me from being fully engaged in the now. And the ups and downs of my manic depression have had the effect of erasing my future. Now I dont know what is next for myself. I am a wreck the better part of the time. But I am currently doing my best to be a good person. I am not perfect but I am now coping in healthier more balanced ways.
Part of what makes this so frustrating is I dont feel like I deserve to be depressed all the time. I am an innocent person and my anxiety is not born of some past guilt, is what I am trying to say. So on the one hand I often wonder; What am I doing wrong? Why do I internalize so much negativity? On the other hand there are of course spiritual rewards for those who hang on to their ideals but the trials a always rigorous and one may find themselves competing for last place on more than one occasion. I suppose that’s just the way things are. A mix of sun and clouds.
Ultimately it was just a dream and I not trying to convince anyone of anything. I only pray for everyone’s sake that this pandemic doesn’t get any worse. My hope is that the current climate of political chaos will give way to a lasting peace. Hopeful anyhow.